Somewhere in WV....

Daughter: Daddy, Can I borrow the truck
Father: If you want to borrow the truck girl, you know what you have to do
Daughter: But, Daddy, I don't have time, I need to go right now!
Father: No buts about it. If you want to borrow the truck girl, you know what you have to do
Daughter: Well ok then...(she drops down and starts giving her dad head)


Daddy, you dick tastes like shit!!!!!

Father: (Smacks himself on the forehead)Oh, I forgot, your brother has the truck!

 

That is fucking disgusting.

 

bulldog eating mayo, funny stuff right there

 

A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.

A gentlemen pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried "That was too much!" He then asked "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much. The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man had an enormous penis. She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife replied "Can I borrow $60?"

 

Guy moves to WV. His neighbor comes over and says "welcome, why don't you come over to my house Sunday for dinner, there'll be lots of eating, drinking, fighting and fucking".

The man can't believe his luck at this generous neighbor. Not wanting to offend he asks "What should I wear?".

The man replies "Don't matter none cuz it's just gonna be me and you".

 

That is fucking disgusting.

But hilarious nonetheless!

 

Why should you never eat pussy first thing in the morning?





Ever pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

 

Somewhere in WV....

Daughter: Daddy, Can I borrow the truck
Father: If you want to borrow the truck girl, you know what you have to do
Daughter: But, Daddy, I don't have time, I need to go right now!
Father: No buts about it. If you want to borrow the truck girl, you know what you have to do
Daughter: Well ok then...(she drops down and starts giving her dad head)

Daddy, you dick tastes like shit!!!!!

Father: (Smacks himself on the forehead)Oh, I forgot, your brother has the truck!

Well, I thought my sense of humor had to be the sickest in a tri-state area. But now I know I have equals, and feel so much better about myself...lol.

 

A rather large gent was reading the paper when he found an ad for guaranteed weight loss in twenty minutes or less.

Thinking it was too good to be true he went anyway.

When he reached the clinic he was greeted by a pretty receptionist. "How many pounds would you like to loose today?" she asked.

Thinking he would be a smartie pants he says "Ten pounds."

"Oh, that's easy. Follow me please."

She takes him to a round room with a yellow door. A couple minutes later, in walks this smokin' hot blonde with a sign on her chest "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Twenty minutes later, ten pounds lighter.

A couple of weeks later the guy decides to try it again, this time he would try for 25 pounds.

The receptionist shows him to a round room with a red door. Minutes later, a voluptuous red head walks in with the same sign "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Twenty minutes, twenty five pounds.

Several weeks later, the guy decides to do it once again, this time he would shoot for the moon...fifty pounds.

The receptionist shows him to a round room with a black door. While trying to imagine what this raven haired beauty would look like, in walks a gorilla with a pecker hanging down to his knees with a sign on his chest "If I catch you, I'm GOING to have you."

 

A trucker is driving through the back country of Nevada and sees a sign for a brothel. He follows the directions to the place thinking he's been on the road for awhile and needs some.

He gets to the brothel and the lady at the front counter doesn't give him a chance to state a preference or meet any girls or anything she just says $200.00, third door on the left top of the stairs. He's hard up so he plunks his cash down and hurries up the steps.

When he gets in the room he's surprised to find no woman only a chicken on the bed with a sign that says "You've never fucked anything until you've fucked a chicken". He's immediately pissed but finds the door back out to the lobby locked. He thinks to himself, "Well, I am hard up. I've already paid my money. No one will ever know." So he chases the chicken around the room for about an hour and never does catch it. At the end of the hour a second door leading to stairs back to the parking lot opens and he leaves, dejected and still hard up.

A week later he's traveling through the same area and stops in again. The woman at the counter says $200.00 top of the stairs, second door on the left. He says, "Fine, but there better not be a chicken in there this time damnit!". He plunks his cash down and heads up the stairs again.

When he gets in the room this time he's surprised to see a room full of men standing looking at a one way mirror watching two other men on the other side have sex. He stands there for a minute, dumbfounded, and says to the guy next to him, "This is disgusting". The man replies, "If you think this is bad you shoulda seen the guy last week trying to fuck the chicken."

 

This joke was told to me at least once a month by my first team leader when I got to the fleet:

Plummer: How do you keep a dog from humping your leg?
Unsuspecting victim: I don't know, how?
Plummer: You pick him up and suck his dick....

 

Sorta, kinda dovetails with the previous joke....

Two fellows were in the park, watching their kids play. One of the fellows spots a dog, sitting underneath a shade tree and licking his nuts. He said to the other guy, "Man, I wish I could do that!!!!"

The other fellow said, "Well, maybe if you go over there and pet him, he'll let you."

 

What's the best thing about screwing twenty five year olds?








There's twenty of them!

 

Dirty Grandma

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

 

Baking Cakes

One day a young boy named Jerry came home from school to find his mother and her new boyfriend having sex on the kitchen table.

Jerry yelled "Hey mum what are you doing?".

The mother said "OH! .. umm Baking cakes hunny!".

Jerry said "OK" and went upstairs to do his homework.

The next morning he came running into her bedroom and said "hey mum you and your friend were baking cakes again weren't you?"

His mother looked surprised and said "How did you know?", and Jerry answered "Because I just licked the icing off the table".

 

Eating Pizza

A truck driver picks up a woman hitch hiker on the side o the road.

He pulls over on the side of the road a few blocks down and the woman asks him what he is doing? He asks her if she wants to have sex? She says "I can't I'm on my period."

He says "That doesn't matter."

So they get in the back of the cab and he is eating her out.

A police officer drives by and sees the truck rocking.

So he gets out and knocks on the door of the truck.

The truck driver opens the door and asks if he can help the officer.

The officer asks him what he is doing? He says liking his fingers "Eating Pizza!"

 

When I was a young man, I was desperate to lose my virginity. An older and wiser friend suggested that I should have sex with a watermelon. I did and I didn't think I would ever get that thing out of my ass!

 

One day on a construction site, a couple of workers (one, not so bright), were taking their break. One fella pulls a thermos out of his lunch bag. The dumb fella asked him, "What's that?" Fella replied, "It's a thermos...it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold". Dumb guy says, "Neat idea; I'm gonna have to get one of those."

After work, he goes shopping for a thermos and finds one; top shelf job...best one made.

The next day at break, he pulls the thermos out. His co-worker said, "I see you got a thermos. Whadya got in it?"

Guy says, "Chicken soup and a popsicle for later on."

(yeah, I know it's not dirty but I still crack up every time I hear it)


Anyhoo, now for an obligatory dirty one.....


What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit the frog's finger.

 

A husband comes home and tells his wife he’s going to get a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. His wife asks him why he would do such an idiotic thing.
“Well,” he says, “I like to play with my money. I like to see my money grow. And, if you feel the need to blow $100, you won’t have to go to the mall.”



A drunk stumbles out of a bar with a key in his hand. A cop sees him and says, “Can I help you, sir?”
“Yes! Somebody stole my car.”
The cop asks, “Where was the last time you saw it?”
“It was on the end of this key,” says the man.
The cop looks down and notices that the man’s penis is hanging out of his fly. “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?” the cop says.
Confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and says, “My girlfriend’s gone, too!”


A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."


A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

 

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off... I've got a headache."

 

A blind man interviews for a job in quality control at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of oak." "Correct", says the manager, "now try this one." "That's a bad piece of pine", says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused", says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is...it's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

 

Guy walks into a drug store. Tells the gal working the register, "I need to buy a box of rubbers." She said, "Well, what size?" Guy says, "Hell, I don't know!" Gal says, "Step into the room to your left. You'll see a board on the wall with 5 numbered holes. Stick your penis into each hole, and whichever one is the most snug, that's the size you need."

Guy walks into the room and does as the cashier instructed, but as soon as he closed the door, she rushes to the other side of the wall, hikes up her skirt, bends over and backs up onto his dick every time he sticks it through one of the holes.

After about 5 minutes, he walks back up to the register. The cashier had already made her way back and asked, "Did you find what size you needed?"

He said, "Fuck the condoms...just give me one of those boards."

 

What's the best thing about screwing twenty five year olds?

There's twenty of them!

On that note, I'll tell mine.

I like my women like I like my scotch.

12 years old and mixed up with coke.

 

On that note, I'll tell mine.

I like my women like I like my scotch.

12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Or the classic, "I like my women like I like my coffee....."

Ground up and kept in the freezer.

 

Guy walks into a drug store. Tells the gal working the register, "I need to buy a box of rubbers." She said, "Well, what size?" Guy says, "Hell, I don't know!" Gal says, "Step into the room to your left. You'll see a board on the wall with 5 numbered holes. Stick your penis into each hole, and whichever one is the most snug, that's the size you need."

Guy walks into the room and does as the cashier instructed, but as soon as he closed the door, she rushes to the other side of the wall, hikes up her skirt, bends over and backs up onto his dick every time he sticks it through one of the holes.

After about 5 minutes, he walks back up to the register. The cashier had already made her way back and asked, "Did you find what size you needed?"

He said, "Fuck the condoms...just give me one of those boards."

that's funny as hell